Life: In Progress

The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads into madness. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)

I think my madness door is always wide open…Is there a door???

Sometimes when I’m anxious the only thing I can do it write.  I breathe the way I am told to in the yoga classes I’ve attended; I try to do what my physical therapist tells me to, but nothing helps.  Sometimes, like today, writing doesn’t take the edge off as quickly as I’d like.

Basically, my co-worker is upset with me because she feels I have gone behind her back to do something for her.  Our company gets invited to a function every year and this year two invites were extended to the bosses/owners.  This is normal.  I informed the inviter our will attend, however it may represented be two of us employees attending.  I received a call from the lady today saying she’d like for my co-worker and me to attend if we can as she feels we don’t get to go to these events often, even though we went last year.

I informed my co-worker of this, but feels that “we” go behind her back and do things.  I understand this may seem underhanded to some, but I find it hard to swallow that I am suspicious of something and she becomes argumentative with me.  She is sick and experiencing a day where she feels very ill.  She becomes very irritable when ill which I truly understand as well.  I have a hard time with it sometimes, and am tired today.  I’d like nothing more to go home, crawl into bed and cry.  I am sad, I am scared (my health, her health, my boyfriend’s dad’s health, my boyfriend’s health, my employer’s health, but firstly my health), I’m tired and I want to go home.  I’m not anxious anymore   I’m crying though.

we all have our internal dialogue.  It asks us questions, we answer.  IT tells us things, we listen.   We hear a voice, which is usually our own when we read.  Generally our voice is always heard by ourselves.  Interesting, eh?  Sometimes we talk to ourselves to have the inner dialogue heard or simply voiced.  It’s interesting how we choose to contain some information, yet share other information to the air…  There isn’t always someone around when we discuss things with ourselves.  Sometimes a cat or dog is listening, but possibly understanding he or she isn’t a part of the self-directed conversation.

I sometimes think of the strangest things.  Admittedly, I often judge people on their looks and I always realize I’m doing so then reprimand myself for being such a judgemental person.  I will mentally remark on the size of someone, the colour, the race, etc.,  I’m not always judging them based on these assessments, but I am noticing things.

I think this is what it comes down to – I notice things.  Whether it’s me desperately trying to find a four leaf clover or that the pavement is cracked ahead so I have to be careful (Do I spend enough time looking down??), I take notice of my environment and I pay greater attention to my fellow species.  I say hello, I pet cats, I avoid places that look difficult to walk, I notice the things in my neighbourhood.  I love looking at plants, flowers, trees, and houses.  I am fortunate to walk through one of the wealthiest neighbourhoods in Halifax and enjoy every minute of it.  I lap up the information of things around me.  I am perceptive and curious.  My internal dialogue is generally fascinated and happy to be able to see what I’m seeing.

This week the topics for the “word of the day” email I receive, the words were things we didn’t think there were words to.  This is one word which afflicts me often!!  LOL!!  I do enjoy every minute of it too!!  PS.  It’s 9pm, I’m still at work….  12 hour day?!?  It’s been a while!

” tarantism (TAR-uhn-tiz-uhm) noun – An uncontrollable urge to dance.”

I drive people nuts because of this affliction!  hehehehe
“You can leave the World behind..”

“Only when he has ceased to need things can a man truly be his own master and so really exist.”

Anwar al- Sadat

I must say, if it’s not obvious to some by now, I am stubborn.

Even though I can catch the bus (I live two stops from my work), call my Mother or my co-worker, I chose a cab so I can pay completely for the service provided and I may not want to stand at the bus stop waiting.

I can ask for help, but I do my best to ensure I’ve almost exhausted myself before I do. I am stubborn. I want to do it myself. I want the self-satisfaction in knowing I can walk for 10 minutes without help from anybody (yes, body) else.

I am stubborn. I try to stay awake longer, I eat more, I drink more, instead of going to bed, I blog and start Internet chats.

I am exhausted….

I have Friday and Monday off I am going to the beach Friday and have no plans for the rest – I have to take the bus somewhere or borrow Mom’s car and just end up somewhere. I miss somewhere….

How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there’s no help in the truth. -Sophocles, (495-405 BCE)

I love my emails from Wordsmith.org as they provide me with great quotes after the word of the day.  I love the incredibly philosophical ones because they bend my brain more than I do on a daily basis.

As for waitiing on hold?!?!?  I have been waiting for 16 minutes on hold to speak to someone regarding my electricity bill…  I guess the accounting major in me leads me to assume the NS Power shareholders are making money while I wait as there are obviously not enough people to take calls.

Oh my, and just when I finish my Web link above the phone rang, but then I was placed on hold again!  LOL!!!!

But thank you for all of the birthday wishes!  I ate my last piece of ice cream cake today – damn it was good – my belly still doesn’t like me when I eat it!  At least more of my junk food has disappeared!  LOL!!!  I need more to disappear – but not into my belly!!  I am honestly feeling crappier because of the junk – hummm, I wonder why

So, 25 minutes later I speak to a soft spoken woman who explains my electricity bill to me.  I am amazed this apartment can use $100 of electricity in one month!  $1200/year is crazy!  I’m fortunate that it’s split in two because of a roomie, but still!  That’s nasty compared to my $20/month electricity bill!

And the rant ends there   I love you all!  Thank you again for visiting and for the love!

Ah, today I am very tired but for great reasons…

Yesterday was my birthday/housewarming party   How much fun I had is simply unmeasurable and how grateful I am is on the same scale!

So many friends and family came to celebrate!  Mom, of course, showered me with more gifts (yeah, a mop and bucket and tool-case as I wished – she is my angel!) and so did my Nanny   I received alcohol which is forever welcome and many well wishes.

I ate way too much ice cream cake which my grandmother won for me off Breakfast Television!  What a sweetheart!  And yes, ice cream cake – my favourite birthday treat – or anytime treat for that matter!!

All-in-all it was a great time had by all!  My new friends (Dave and Sharlene) through Super Dave fortunately showed up – mind you after everyone else had left – and we sat up drinking, laughing and sharing stories until after 1pm.  We had fun and they brought alcohol too!!  LOL!!!

Ah, thank you to all.  I am so appreciate everyone is in my life and pray all the happiness and love is shared forever.

Um, by telling the truth? Why don’t people think this is possible? I haven’t had a full beer yet, but I am still being honest Perhaps everyone needs to drink more to be honest – that or everyone should have something happen in their lives to help them realize what’s important, like honesty..

Oh and quote:

The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself. -Archibald MacLeish, poet and librarian (1892-1982)

I loved pretending to be a sheep in the herd through high school. I always had the urge to bleet (baaahhh!!) and of course I actually did from time to time – I have had to stop myself since. bahahahahaaaaaaaaahhh

I became a vegetarian after realizing that animals feel afraid, cold, hungry and unhappy like we do. -Cesar Chavez, farm worker and activist (1927-1993)

“food” for thought.  I’m a veggie, but this makes one think regardless.