Life: In Progress

I become shy when certain things occur in my life even though I want to share.

Yes, I have been temporarily satiated in a non-food way…  Can I be more cryptic?  Um, like, uhh.

Anyway, for the insanity that is me, we will see what becomes of my first date and second.   I am going to date many people and the first date fellow from last night and today (yep, he made plans with me for earlier) is aware of this.  He has many things on his plate and isn’t looking for a long-term girlfriend, just someone to hang-out with occassionally and that’s what I need.

Anyway, long story short:  I have come to terms with the break-up with Dave, I am still the hot number I always thought I was but was bruised badly from being rejected (yep, I feel this way) by Dave, and I can still hold my own even though I feel as though I keep losing control.

I guess that paragraph was really as long as the one above it and wasn’t a short story, but oh well!

What’s a girl to do when she’s been told to stay home from work for two weeks to recoup?  Ha!  Blog of course!!

I have forever derived my inspirations for writing from other works I have read.  I also, of course, use myself as the director of readings/writings (lol) so I took this quote – lets see where I go with it:

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages. -Jacques Deval, writer and director (1895-1972) 

Firstly, I’m agnostic.  I can’t fully believe, but I can’t fully doubt.  I prefer to not know and see what happens when I die.  If there is a God and he/she is as forgiving as the Bible taught me, then if I ask for forgiveness then, I feel I will be redeemed

Secondly, aren’t we all caged to some degree?  Not only birds, but we try to contain everything.  From science to arts, what isn’t the human trying to control?  I’m certain if we could, the sun would always shine a certain way, rain would come when we wanted and life on Earth would be controlled to the “t”.

And isn’t this what we do on a daily basis?  We try to control our lives?  I am feeling as though the control is my life is at the mercy of the Earth and I’m okay with this.  I know it’s a meek outlook, but I am forever at the mercy of others.  I can be hit by a car and killed today for all I know.  I don’t know and I think that’s why I can’t commit myself to believing in God…

Damn, I  think I’ll have to go back to work to stop thinking!  lol

Dude, I experienced my bachelor brain-waves earlier:  I need a beer fridge for a bed-side table and a bed table to lay in bed with and have the beer & popcorn/pretzels on it

I think I’ve found my inner man again

I wish I could sometimes.  I know this is one of the reasons I sleep so much and drink (not in that order unless I drink in my dreams and don’t remember).  I try to disappear.  It’s not that easy and I know I have to face things, but lately I feel as though the balls I grew have shrunk!  hahaha

Seriously though, I feel as though my confidence level has hit an all time low and I resort to men to help boost it.   I am learning this about myself and know I need to boost my confidence myself and wonder if being single is the way I need to live my life.

Mind you, I hate being single, but perhaps it’s the way my life is to be.  God, I shouldn’t share this crap.  I fear looking incredibly vulnerable, even though I know I am.

I admit, writing becomes an obsession when I have a lot to get out of me and can’t tell a person in person.  I am an obsessive person and sometimes writing becomes the outlet for other obsessions I can’t obtain or experience.

Food is one of my many obsessions.  If I could eat popcorn with butter and drink beer and maintain a life, I would.  I guess realistically I do already, just not in the quantities of popcorn and beer I’d like!  lol

Anyway, I am drifting through a blog to try and sedate the brain.  I am about to hop in the shower – I think it’ll need to be a cold one because of my current obsession.  Is this normal for a 28 year old female to be so sex-crazed?  Ought I be writing this?  Of course!  I don’t lie or stray from the actual life: in progress.  A girl has to get laid too, right??  lol!

Hello.  I am still alive even though writing blogs hasn’t been a priority lately.

I suffer from migraines and have been experiencing one on and off since Saturday.  I am ready to crush my head to dull the pain.  Headaches and migraines suck.  I’m happy I haven’t had to get sick, but there is always that possiblilty.

Anyway, do you ever find it strange how people emerge in your life?  It’s as though certain people know when things are up in your life and resurface at those times.  Bizarre.

I know things happen for a reason and I am learning as each minute passes, but I often forget about the big picture that includes me.  The me needs to be taken care of and I am not doing the job I need to for sustaining myself.  The migraines are one way of my body telling me to slow down a little.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

– Ghandi

Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle. -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

I travelled through Maine to arrive in Bangor (Well, the first night was spent in Calais, Maine) on Friday to spend two days shopping.

Well, many stores later I have come back without USD 350 and CAD150.  I have quite a feast ahead of me with clothing, twinkies (I know I can get them here, it’s the novelty and nostalgia), soda (yep, pop from the USA), and 4 new pieces of Levis luggage which happens to be pink – yep, pink.

With the luggage, it was USD50, but it would contain all of my new things on the way back and also fascilitate the “finding luggage” process the next time at the airport conveyor belt.  Damn!  That was a mouthful!

Anyway, the trip home was hard.  I had a migraine and nausea which is never pleasant.  Also, the drive through Maine made me remember my dreams of travelling through there with Dave and his many stories of days he spent working down there.

Memories of Nanny & Grampy (on both sides of my family) rushed through my head during the trip.  I miss my grandparents.

I am still very sad – I am trying so hard to be happy.  I am very grateful for everything, but am very tired.  I’m tired of having my heart broken, I am tired of missing what I don’t have, I am tired physically.

I hate going on and on.  I feel a great need for venting and feel the public display of my feelings may help that one person whom visits and relates, whomever this may be.

Mom rented a wheelchair for me.  I sat in it for the majority of the time in stores.  I have a hard time with this.  I like to walk around the store.  I like the freedom walking provides me with and feel as though my freedom to travel is slipping away from me faster and faster as the seconds wear on.

I sit here crying in dispare mourning my losses, currently very sad, feeling mentally unfit, unable to make concrete decisions – oh and my boss has stomach cancer.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be
only the beginning. -George Baker (1877-1965)

Doesn't this seem oh so true?  I am beginning again.  I admit I hate

and love it.  I hate it because I'm tired of restarting.  I love it

because I get to start all over.  Of course I mean in the love department.

It's as though a part of me is forever lost when I lose in love,

but part of me is reborne.  I pay more attention to myself when I'm

single - perhaps I should always be this way - I just need someone for sex

  I say I want a car and my own home, but sex doesn't usually cost as much

 as those!  LOL!!  At least it shouldn't!