Life: In Progress

We try so hard to prevent things from happening.  Other things happen or whatever we’re attempting to prevent occurs anyway.

I, of course, am thinking about life and death.  I don’t ever stop considering these facets of this existence.  We brush our teeth to prevent tooth decay, we watch what we eat for health reasons, we look both ways before walking across the street, we stop at red lights.  Basically we do a lot of things to prevent injury and possibly death.

Why do we fight so hard?  Death appears so peaceful.  There are no more worries, no attempts at prevention, there is nothing.  Our physical body is nothing more than something taking up space, however, no longer functioning attempting to prevent.

I accept my own mortality and know others are my equal in this existence, but it makes me sad and question why we fight.  Why don’t we live?  Why do we do what we do?  It’s to create further existence through our ancestors.  People we don’t know but hope we still exist in.  We try to make a difference in other people’s live and leave a legacy.

I have chosen not to leave behind a legacy.  I say this when it comes to having kids and knowing part of me physically is being passed down.  Biologically I can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it I should say.  I am facing my own mortality in a more biological sense.

Moorix’ funeral is tomorrow morning.  I wasn’t able to cry much at the  service tonight.  I am crying now.  I want a drink, but know I won’t.  I want drugs, but know I won’t.  I want sleep and pray I will.  I want peace, but know it’s far, far away from right now.

“Welcome, Adrienne,” I hear or imagine as I begin my session.

Sometimes when I share my feelings with the world, or whomever for that matter, I gain a sense of understanding. This understanding is of how life is. I am here to help others and I must lean on others for support at times.

Well folks, this is the time for me to lean. Ganong makes these fabulous Wintergreen Mints I’ve developed a uber addiction to. I can easily eat an entire 160g of these succulent minty mints in one sitting. I will do so regardless of the amount of plaque my teeth gain or the cancker sores my tongue receives.

I am an addict. Luckily I have one bag left! I will take them with me to the funeral home tonight as my “flask” or occasional shots to ease the pain!

Realistically, to ease the pain I have asked the fellow I was supposed to meet Sunday out for a drink tonight, we’ll see what happens. I really need a drink! Maybe I’ll settle for a mint right now

“Thank you all for listening ,” I state as I finish typing my last few words. Kisses for all.

It’s sunny outside today.  I know in my soul it’s dark, stormy, ready to blow apart anything that comes in path.  I am plagued with a migraine early as I am stressed about what will happen with work and in fear of what the nuclear medicine will do to me (even though realistically, I guess nothing according to the science-guys).

I fear the IV too.  I hate needles and really don’t see the end of receiving them in sight (which would mean death) so unless I have a tube needing to be stuck into me at all times, I will consider getting over this fear.

Anyway, I am simply frustrated and tired.  Damn, so tired.

Life is this very fragile thing most of us take for granted.  I realize it can end so quickly and leave many people devestated as a result.

My boss died yesterday.  I knew it was coming but didn’t want to believe.  Hope springs eternal right?  Nope, but that’s fine.

Damn is all I can write now.  I’m too meh for more words…

Yes, third post today – I have a lot to express literally

Anywho – so conversations with my Father are always interesting.  I use “interesting” because they’re always the same.  Neither of us is well, we have no money, something is wrong in life and we’re trying to rectify the situation.

The conversations are a contrast to the ones with my Mother.  She always has money woes (is it hereditary?) and survives somehow, but is upbeat.  Conversations with Dad are occasionally depressing.  This is why more time is spent with Mom.

My choices in life are loosely based on goals my parents never attained (i.e., graduating high school, university, going to Vancouver, etc.,).  Projection appears in so many different facets of life.  Crazy.

Anyway, I have made myself a Mamosa (sp?) and am almost finished   Sleep will come soon thankfully..

Other than a good romp, what else is a lazy Saturday weekend spent doing?  Shopping!  Especially right now when I am as poor as the church mouse

Me being poor is always humbling.  I am never overly “humble” when I have a large amount of cash on hand   This is why accounting is so much fun for me because I play with other people’s numbers

Anyway, today Shoppers Drug Mart is having an Optimum Points sale (where you can redeem less points and get more product).  I have 121,000 points which could be $300 worth of merchandise.  Scary!  And a poor woman shopping may not be the best thing either

LOL!  Anyway, if only they sold alcohol and marijuana I’d be all set, haha!!  Ah, I have to move for that to happen

Most of the $200 was spent on things I really want (i.e., good tweezers) and are frivolous items.  I have many mints (meaning good breathe ), electric toothbrush heads (do I really have bad breathe?), and food   The order here should be changed!  LOL!!

Well, I will continue my skeptic talk on a more skeptic day – I am buzzing from shopping and Pepsi

Word today:
wangle (WANG-guhl) verb:   

To achieve something by scheming or manipulating.

[Of uncertain origin, apparently a blend of wag and dangle.] 

Remind you of anyone?

Quote:

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

-Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, and author (1872-1970) 

Damn I’m deep!  lol!  And Bertrand and I have three things in common.

I have mentioned my cynic/skeptic self in my old blog. I have been pretty skeptic in life and very cynical – especially concerning life. What else other than life do we always have? The old saying: taxes and death..

My boss is very ill. Apparently there is nothing the doctors are willing to try for him but they are giving him morphine at times when it’s requested by my other boss (his wife). They are from Hong Kong and are attempting Chinese medicine.

My head feels as though it will explode. I went and prayed before I went to see him. This is something I’d never do, but I had the time to go to the hospital chapel.

A water fountain is there, so I sit in a chair in front and just allowed myself to look into the trickles of water and think of my bosses and their family. I prayed they are comforted and that all works out well.

Okay, I am too hyper, yet oh so very tired. Here’s the point form story:

• Started day taking bus to see Psychiatrist re: my head;
• Hospital is connected to hospital my boss is in, went to visit him;

ok, to be continued…

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a
troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be
left to irresponsible action. -George Washington, 1st US president
(1732-1799)